Every time I went home, I used to look at myself as being trapped. I was as far from my zone of comfort as I felt I could possibly get.
Now I realize that my feeling was only a result of my insecurity and that I should have been looking at home as an escape from reality, a sanctuary of solitude. My escape from life.
Right now, I’m in Japan. This is my reality. I’ve never contemplated the comforts of communication and understanding as I have since coming to Japan. In Korea, I saw communication as impossible. Here, it’s achievable, but I always feel like I’m an inch away from understanding. It’s far enough to tease me, to let me think as if I have an opportunity to grasp it, but always leaves me feeling like I can’t quite reach it.
At home, the realities of this world are intangible. I can escape from the realities of money, the realities of survival and ultimately the realities of life. Life is lived for me, as opposed to me living to live.
I know this is a case of “the grass is greener” before I even post it, but sometimes you need to roll around in the green rolling hills on the other side of the fence before you come to appreciate the comfort, safety and familiarity of what you have around you. That goes both ways for Japan and Klamath. There is so much to appreciate here, and there is a ton to appreciate in Klamath. I know the second I leave one, I’ll desire the other, as if I were attempting to satisfy two lovers, even though in this case the only feelings I’m invested in are my own.
I will say in Japan, I’ve felt the need to love, be loved and to be close to someone more than I ever have anywhere else in the world. In Klamath, I’m happily stagnant; in Korea, I’ve had those needs fulfilled in one way or the other; in Eugene, the temporary and fleeting relationships I had left me wanting for none. But here, I’ve desired, more than at any other point in my life, to have something deeper, even if it is temporary. I’m trying to be obscure while being clear with this analogy, and maybe that’s just a reflection of what I want out of life in Japan. I want everything and nothing at the same time while I’m here. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
I feel like in a sense, I have everything because I’m in the process of recording a moment in my life I will never forget. I will never, so long as I live and am capable of doing so, forget my stint in Japan. I feel like everything can only go up from here and I look forward to making sure it does as much.